I woke up a few days ago feeling very strange. It was almost like I had given up on whether I really had something to live for or not. I tried to shake it off but all day long it haunted me, like a crick in the neck or gnat that you swat away but keeps dive bombing you in the eyes. It was a place mentally that I have never been before, a place that, when spoken about in church, made me pity people who are struggling with it.
It was suffocating.
For the past few days I had been watching sermons online from churches all across America that I greatly respect and admire. They were full of truth and power and authority and even caused me to look at parts of my own life. I would talk to my wife and friends about the topics of these sermons and how they impacted me, I would encourage them to watch them for themselves since I knew it was a moving message.
I was listening to worship music on my way to work and while I was at work and would get goose bumps during the part of the song that builds and brings you to the point of either yelling or standing or crying or a combination of all three. I felt like I loved the Lord and He is good to me and I am blessed; which of course, I do, He is, and I am.
I missed the point.
Even though I was surrounding my self on the outside with truth from the Lord and worship about God from people who are movers and shakers I was not reading the Bible at all. My ears and mouth were getting a workout but my heart and mind were not being made more like Christ. I was realizing that while there are many positive things about listening to sermons and listening to worship music and encouraging others to do the same, those things are not enough spiritual sustenance for a believer.
I'm making it personal again.
I came home that night feeling the same wave of lifelessness that I had tried to escape all day. As we were reclining in our room I began to ramble, letting all the thoughts in my head just come right out of my mouth which typically makes no sense but usually gives me some perspective and my wife loves me enough to listen. As the thoughts in my head began to spill out into the air the image became a bit more in focus and it dawned on my what I had been missing. Being a visual person it is harder for me to read the word when I could watch someone preach about the word, but secondhand revelation is not enough, I need to study for myself so God can show me all He has to show me.
One day at a time.
I know that this journey is a long road. I have no doubt that this will be a battle that I see and feel more often than I should. I'm just thankful that God didn't allow me to stew in it for very long. Now I have to take responsibilty for what I was reminded of and what He has given me a new perspective on. Each day God's mercies are new, so each day God has new things He wants to reveal to me about Himself and how He sees me.
That was yesterday, I have not read the Bible yet today but I will. I'm excited to have hope again.
